Days 6 and 7 of 30

 After not wearing makeup for a month, this challenge has been a breeze. Since coming off of the first challenge I have noticed that I have no desire to wear makeup anymore. I’ve put on mascara only three times since the beginning of this month. And the idea of putting on foundation on top of my pores is really just revolting. Instead I have grown accustomed to letting my pores breathe.

 The weather has been beautiful lately so it’s affected how I dress myself and made it easier to get out of bed in the morning.

Day 6 my partner and I went to the swimming pool together in the morning after having a big smoothie and big pot of oatmeal. It felt good to just get out and it before noon. I wore my boyfriends sweatpants and his hoodie and he teased me a bit for looking like a grub. I like to dress up and push myself out of my comfort zone, but I also like to dress extremely low key and surrender my ego to my nonconformity.

sunndress.jpg

At the pool I changed in the change rooms again. And of course as soon as I walk in theres naked ladies all over the place. Still feels weird to me, maybe I just need some good sandals.

I swam laps, but not as strenuously as I did a couple days before. I felt comfortable and at ease. I love my new bathing suit, and although it was pricer than I hoped to spend 90$, it’s opened up my abilities to swim as fast I want without worrying about any pop outs.

It wasn’t until my partner and I went to jump off the diving board that I was actually pushed out of my comfort zone. It wasn’t as high as it seemed, below 5 meters, but just walking out onto the board suddenly made my whole entire being tremble in terror. I couldn’t stop picturing myself slipping off the wrong way and hitting my chin or somehow cracking my head on the concrete.

Everything in me wanted to do it I wanted to jump I wanted to feel that feeling, but every time I walked out on the board I felt like I was completely off balance, and I usually am very well balanced! It was my head, my mind, working against me. My partner went three times to show me it’s okay it’s safe. Another man did the same. The lifeguard even shouted some encouragement, but I by this time I had built it up so much that I just wanted to get down. I climbed down the stairs twice but my partner was relentless and he knew I wanted to be able to do it.

The first time I got naked in public was last summer, not since I was a little girl who didn’t have this built up perception of herself. My girl friend and I bought huge sarongs/wall hangers, and we wrapped them around our bodies. Then we walked to the ocean and I revealed my bare breast to the ocean before plunging into the cold. It was completely invigorating. I felt like I freed myself from bodily confinement, finally, after so long I could let go of the image I wished to be seen as and I returned to a more youthful state.

When I finally decided that I was going to walk to the end of the diving board I had to let go of my thoughts. I had to let go of my doubts and fears and trust that I would be okay in the end. Bouncing off the end and traveling mid air my stomach felt like it did on a roller coaster ride, but as I hit the water, BAM, freedom.

This is how it feels to liberate yourself. This is the feeling of the journey it takes to get there. It’s scary at first, but after you decided there’s no looking back, you keep moving forward, and then you just jump. JUMP. Take that leap of faith in everything, but mostly in yourself, because you know deep down that whatever it is, you can handle it, you can endure this feeling and once you do the fear you built up comes crumbling down.

As soon as I fell into the water I felt lighter. Like I had ridden myself of one more burden that didn’t need to be carried. And so, I did it again. This time I hesitated for once, but now I knew better, so I jumped. I went again, this time without hesitation without doubt without fear, now I was excited. So just like that, the one thing that held me back, now lifted me up.

I went to try the 5meter diving board, but after looking down a couple times, I decided that this would be my next goal to overcome, and Im saving it for next time I go with my partner.

After getting in the sauna and then doing more laps. I bravely put my towel and dry clothes outside of my shower to where I would have to walk to them to get to them. I took my suit off in the shower and after rinsing off tip toed out from my shower. I peaked to see if anyone was around and as the coast was clear I quickly grabbed my towel, pat down, and awkwardly put on my undergarments before walking to a less damp floor area. Another small victory.

More later

Much Love

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