6 months later

It’s hard to believe that half a year ago I decided to go 30 days without makeup. My entire life changed after that. I quit my job first and foremost and that changed how I began to think about how I will be in the work environment. SO far I’ve slowly been building up a small side business, making dreamcatchers and flower crowns. I have done a lot of traveling as well, but mostly I have just been trying to “figure it out”.

 After not wearing makeup for 30 days I didn’t rush back into wearing it again, not right away at least. At some point though, I did hit a hard wall of self consciousness. Before I headed to a wedding in May I started worrying more about my appearance. I began feeling like a child again. This could possibly be because of my lack of employment, but I often am told I look like I am 14 years old. Everyone says its a compliment, but I want to be taken seriously and I highly doubt anyone is going to take a child seriously.

 I bought a whole starter kit from an all natural mineral powder line. I arranged to get my hair dyed and full extensions, after almost 3 years of not dying my hair. I had let my natural hair completely grow out, yet I couldn’t accept that this was self acceptance. I was so bored of my appearance. I felt like a dulled light. I felt like my womanhood had been taken away from me because I refused to partake in any beauty applications.

 How could I let these material items and aesthetics get to me?

I went to get my hair done, but I wasn’t able to get extensions right away, which left me doubting my spontaneous decision. When I got back to Texas I canceled my extensions appointment, because I felt like it was going too far. I had my eyebrows waxed and dyed and my hair returned to its blonder state with dozens and dozens of small thin highlights. I posted a picture of my new hair and got more likes and comments than I had expected for a simple photo of my new blonde, and it felt good. But deep down I felt like an imposter. I want to be all natural and all vegan and balanced and accepting of my natural form, but now Im manipulating myself to feel better about my appearance and its making me feel like I just opened the door to an endless hall leading to something unattainable.

Lately, I have been feeling pure dread each time I look at the condition of  my skin. The scars, the scars, the soul sucking scars!!! The one between my brows thats enabled a wrinkle to come through a deep wrinkle that will one day be the feature of my face forever. Or the terrible scar from a nasty cold sore that actually went off my lip…fuck!!!(pardon me). This may be a bit too much, but what the hell, I am sure someone else can relate. The scars are inevitable, but sooo hard to accept for me.  I bought a bottle of pure vitamin E oil, a bottle of essentials oils called “scar-b-gone” and I put that shit on my face every day and night… Which has caused me to break out in other places, and thats really bothering, and of course I still pick them…ahhhhh!!!!

 The woman at the hair salon told me that, often what happens when buying an all natural brand is that they can actually harm your hair more than helping it. It appeared that my hair was damaged from the heat of an old shitty hairdryer( literally called “Son of a Gun”), over washing (everyday), product build up (not washing well enough), and never getting a trim. I was trying to be good, but I was just harming myself more! #whatislife

This seems to be the theme of my all natural pursuit, as long and as hard as I’ve tried with my hair and my skin, it seems like I need more help from the professionals. Currently I will brush on my mineral powder and fill in my brows and darken my eyelashes, but it’s very minimal and I feel comfortable with or without it on. I have a beautiful face and body scrub from Gardeners Dream and I have been using Pureology Hair products and I think they are actually restoring my hair cuticles.

Honestly though, my attention has gone down from just below my chin, to my breast. After gaining weight and losing weight, my body grew too fast and then shrank too quickly and now I am covered in stretch marks, and my breast went on the same journey growing much larger and then returning to their smaller state. So now I have to live with this? Before the wedding, I bought a new strapless bra for my dress and ever since I’ve worn a bra more than ever before. I feel like I am more proper with a bra, but again it just doesn’t feel natural, it’s not real. recent articles have revealed that wearing a bra is actually not even good for your breast, your circulation, your posture, and most importantly, the perkiness of the twins. It doesn’t even matter, it’s just there to be proper. The only reason I wear it all the time is to protect my nipples from embarrassing me when it gets too nippy out. I also enjoy the upgrade status, but I would love to do a 30 days no bra challenge.

Why is it so hard to accept our bodies? I would never rely on a blade to save the day and hopefully make me feel better about myself, because I know in reality it is much deeper than that blade will ever go. I won’t lie though either, I’ve contemplated what it would be like to artificially manipulate my skin.

I love my skin, but we are going on a long journey together and I would really like to get on the same team if we are going to make it to the end in one piece.

I hope you enjoyed my blunt honesty.

You are more than beautiful

Advertisements